is simply not an option,” said an exhausted Mission Chief

White House Scientists Struggle to Contain Outbreak of Scrutonium

canada goose outlet jackets WASHINGTON DC Engaged a relentless battle against time and fatigue, a group of message scientists assembled by the White House Center for Narrative Control say they will take “all steps necessary” to contain a recent outbreak of scrutonium, a deadly poll eating supervirus that canada goose clearance sale attacks the immuno hope system, leaving victims vulnerable to material facts. is simply not an option,” said an exhausted Mission Chief David Axelrod. “If left unchecked, this virus may actually force us to move back to Chicago.” canada goose outlet jackets

The recent re infection of scrutonium into the body politic has been a harrowing turn of Canada Goose Jackets fortune for Axlerod and his scientific team. In November 2008, they had declared scrutonium “all but extinct,” although they kept small Canada Goose Parka amounts of the strain for use in laboratory experiments with Republican tax returns. It was thought to be in containment as recently as five weeks ago, with scientists citing poll results showing resistance to doses of unemployment canada goose uk black friday previously considered fatal.

All that changed on September 12 after an unexpected outbreak in Benghazi, Libya. Although it caught Axlerod and his team by surprise, they were temporarily able to keep it under control with a regimen of YouTube blame therapy and gaffe meme injections. But the new Benghazi strain proved stubbornly resistant, and has continued to slowly spread.

canada goose outlet houston Amid their battle to contain the Benghazi strain, a second and even more deadly outbreak appeared in Denver on October 3. Nicknamed “the Doomsday Strain”, the Denver canada goose uk shop scrutonium virus has thusfar been impervious to any attempt at containment. canada goose outlet houston

canada goose outlet ottawa “We dealing with the ultimate buzzkiller here,” said Senior Narrative canada goose black friday sale Engineer Stephanie Cutter. “This one directly attacks voters ability to hallucinate happy thoughts, or even ignore the obvious no matter how many squirrels we innoculate them with.” canada goose outlet ottawa

canada goose outlet parka Despite all out efforts to contain the virus, by Friday daily internal gauge readings at CNC headquarters indicated a public opinion disaster was in the making. In order to Canada Goose Outlet buy time, Axlerod called on reserves from the 101st Media Narrative Squadron. canada goose outlet parka

canada goose outlet hong kong “With a virus this aggressive, you need boots on the ground to help fight any new outbreak and cheap Canada Goose sterilize the area with distractions,” said canada goose factory sale CNC buy canada goose jacket jounalistic affairs liaison David Plouffe. “Luckily, the 101st is highly trained, unquestioningly loyal, and completely immune to all known post 2008 strains of scrutonium.” canada goose outlet hong kong

canada goose jacket uk “That Mitt Romney sure seemed awful testy, didn he?” said hazmat suit clad Lt. Ben Smith of the 101st Politico Company, sweeping the rubble of Denver for trace readings of canada goose coats on sale scrutonium. canada goose jacket uk

While Smith and others work around the clock to quarantine the virus, Axlerod and his team remain deep Canada Goose Coats On Sale beneath canada goose outlet the White House in a specially constructed containment laboratory, racing to find a cure before it has a chance to wipe out Washington buy canada goose jacket cheap as we know it. Although all their experiments have thusfar proven unsuccessful, Axlerod refuses to concede.

“If I learned anything in this job, it that hope is a strategy,” he said, canada goose store wiping flopsweat from his combover.

canada goose outlet uk sale “For instance, maybe Joe Biden will find a cure canada goose coats Wednesday night,” he added. canada goose outlet uk sale

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